Matchmaker Shae Primus on Love, Types, and Why Red Flags Convos Can Be Annoying

Known for her vibrant personality and go-getter attitude, Shae boasts a background in communications and 20 years of experience in corporate HR and training for Fortune 500 companies. However, many recognize her from Bravo’s Love Match Atlanta, as well as her work with high-profile clients, including Rick Ross.

During our 30-minute Zoom call, we discussed her unique journey into matchmaking, shared tips for a successful first date, identified red flags to watch for, and explored the transformative power of attracting love. Check out the exclusive conversation below.

BLEU: Can you tell me a little bit about your background and how you got into matchmaking?

Shae Primus: I’m a Georgia peach with a big network. I went to school here, and every job I've ever had has been in Georgia, so I know a lot of people. Whenever I would have an event, folks would say things like, “Shae, hook me up with that girl in the red dress” or “hook me up with that guy in the blue suit.” It never failed.

I’m a Capricorn, so I wanted to monetize off of that. I went back to school and got certified as a relationship coach and a matchmaker. I desired to understand the science of matchmaking because it’s not just about hooking people up. It’s about what makes two people compatible. I really needed to study relationships and how they work.

I sat down and talked to a lot of couples who had been together for a long time to understand what makes a successful partnership. You see people who’ve been married for 40 or 50 years—what is it that makes two people go, “Okay, we go together; we work”? I really set out to learn that so I could help people find love. I also feel like it’s work I’m doing in the community by helping people come together in relationships.

BLEU: That’s beautiful! You have such a diverse background. I’m curious. Do you hear talk a lot about “types?” How do you address that?

Shae Primus: When I talk with my girlfriends, one of the first questions is always, “What’s your type?” But sometimes our type isn’t good for us.

Your type will keep you single, so drop it! If you like tall, dark, and handsome, consider short, fat, and bald—do something totally different. Your type can attract F boys, and let’s keep it 100: if that’s your type, it’s the guys who play games, cheat on you, or ask you for money. Let that go!

Part of my program includes therapy because many of us have unhealed trauma. This trauma makes us attract the same broken people, dragging us through the mud and causing us trauma. We keep attracting those folks over and over again because we haven’t healed from what brings them to us. They can smell it a mile away that you’re the one they can play with. Allowing them to play games is why you keep attracting the same issues with different people.

So, honestly, throw your type away; that will keep you single.

BLEU: You mentioned the psychology element. Have you ever turned away a client?

Shae Primus: I didn’t turn away a client, but I learned a lesson. I met a woman who had just gone through a really tragic situation, and a few months later, she was looking for a matchmaker. I told her that right now isn’t the best time. I want to emphasize that it’s important to heal first before seeking love. She wasn’t ready for matchmaking. Therapy is essential for both of us. When we are healed, we attract better people. When you’re broken, you attract other broken people because that’s what resonates with you. Or you might attract people who are broken and looking for you to heal them.

What you really want is someone who has already done the work and isn’t looking for you to fix them. I’m not saying you need to be completely whole or have everything figured out, but you should at least have identified your issues.

BLEU: I see that sometimes, too. It's like, take your time. It'll happen but take a beat. So that makes a lot of sense. I don't know if you watched this show, but I remember on Being Mary Jane, she hired a matchmaker. Do you have to be super elite like her to hire a matchmaker? Or is it everyday people? What does your everyday client look like?

Shae Primus: My clients are like Mary Jane—very successful women who have it all: the house, the car, the money. Their problem is finding the right man. They have everything else that money can buy. That’s typically my client.

The challenge for me is working with these women to help them stay in their femininity despite their success. I feel like I've managed to strike that balance well because I’m an entrepreneur, too. I coach from the perspective of being able to take off that "boss" hat when you come home, allowing yourself to be soft with your man. If both partners are in "boss mode," it can lead to conflict. Somebody has to be soft.

BLEU: Why do you think there’s a rising conversation about the struggles that successful Black women face in relationships?

Shae Primus: A lot of us haven’t had that pattern modeled for us. If you were raised by a single mom, she often doesn’t have the luxury of being soft because she has to be strong to pay the bills and keep everything running. She has to get out there and make things happen.

If you were fortunate enough to see softer, more feminine behaviors modeled, you tend to understand that it should be part of your identity. For example, if you saw your mom cooking and caring for your dad, then it’s not a hard stretch for you to adopt that role yourself.

I also think society can make it hard. To reach the top of any ladder, it takes a lot of toughness and grit. No one is handing success to you; you have to go out and earn it. Those attributes that help you succeed can also deter you from finding a partner. It’s a rewarding struggle in one area but can hinder you in another. So, the key is finding the balance—how to be ambitious but still connect with your partner. I don’t think one approach is wrong; it’s all about balance.

BLEU: Now we’re both in Atlanta. So you should understand it’s crazy to date here—

Shae Primus: Wait—no, I disagree. This is the best place to date. Our single nightlife is amazing. You can go to any restaurant, sit at a bar, and meet men. Some cities don't have a single life. The town shuts down really early. On a Sunday, you're going to see beautiful black women gathered for brunch. On a Friday, you're going to see singles at the bar at a restaurant. We’re outside. You don’t see that everywhere. So, I always debunk that when they say Atlanta is bad for dating. Now when you do lock in with your boo, y'all need to move out of the metro area. You can’t still be outside if you’re trying to be monogamous.

BLEU: Okay, so let’s say someone is planning on being at one of those bars, and they’re going on their first date tonight. How can they set themselves apart?

Shae Primus: I would say, leave the judgment at home. We tend to judge everything—teeth, clothes, how they use a fork and chew. You can't even enjoy the date because you're focusing on judging everything from their haircut to their shoes. Instead, try to come with an open mind.

A first date is a vibe check. It’s about showing all sides of your personality and having a good conversation. If you sit there frowning and acting fake, nobody will enjoy themselves, and the vibe will be off.

Choose a place where you can let your hair down, enjoy each other’s company, and get to know one another without judgment. Aim to have good conversations and make each other laugh. When people laugh, they connect better and often find themselves liking each other more.

Also, don’t be afraid to show little signs of affection, like putting your hand on his shoulder or leg. Just be mindful of your boundaries—let them know you’re enjoying their company while keeping those boundaries intact. It’s all about giving little signs and feedback that indicate the date is going well.

BLEU: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Shae Primus: I definitely believe in love at first sight. For me, I can use my own relationship as an example. It wasn’t when he walked in that I thought, “Oh, that’s the one.” It was by the end of our first date that I knew. I went through my whole process during that date, asking questions about trauma, therapy, sex drive, interests—everything that helps me gauge compatibility. We talked about what we liked to do and if we were functional in our lives.

When someone checks all your boxes, it just clicks. It's like, boom—all the things you want, they have. Yes, they want you, too, and you just know.

BLEU: Sometimes, those convos reveal differences, too. What are your thoughts on the idea that opposites attract?

Shae Primus: I think you can have opposites attract, but you have to have enough commonalities to have meaningful conversations. For example, my partner and I both believe that 90s R&B is the best genre ever. That’s our commonality, even though we might not agree on other music or interests.

You don’t have to have everything in common, but having that one thing you both enjoy allows you to connect. I’m an extrovert and tend to date introverts, which I love because introverts are detail-oriented and great listeners. I'm big picture, and they help keep me grounded by asking helpful questions.

So, if you have that one commonality, you can build a relationship despite differences in other areas. I believe opposites can attract, but having that shared interest is key.

BLEU: What are some red flags to watch out for early in a relationship?

Shae Primus: When it comes to red flags, I think we’ve taken the concept to the extreme. We often label too many things as red flags when they might not be. It’s essential to clarify what a real red flag is because the actual ones can be more subtle.

For example, if someone consistently shows a lack of respect, makes derogatory comments, or refuses to communicate about important topics, those are significant red flags. It’s about recognizing patterns rather than isolated incidents. I encourage clients to pay attention to their feelings and instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s worth examining.

BLEU: Wow. I feel like we’re getting so many gems. This is why you’ve had so much success in this field! Which reminds me, what was it like matchmaking Rick Ross?

Shae Primus: I love Rick Ross. I think he is such a brand in and of himself, owning multiple businesses and having his hands in so many jars. One of the things I was proposing to him is to date the "Mary Jane" type—women who can level him up. These aren’t the women looking for a Birkin bag, planning important trips, or considering getting their teeth done.

I want to introduce him to that kind of woman who would say, “Have you thought about diversifying your brand and doing this, that, or the other?" But I don’t think he’s quite ready for that right now. He seems to prefer the younger crowd, like the 27-year-olds who are just here for fun and not for the long haul. And if that’s what he wants, then I support it. But when he’s ready for something serious, he can let me know. That’s really how I have to handle it.

BLEU: Now, you mentioned your own personal life and that you’re dating, which I find interesting. If you don’t mind, let me know how you manage being a successful entrepreneur while dating. Sometimes, those dynamics can affect relationships.

Shae Primus: Oh, I don’t mind sharing! I love talking about my relationship. I’m so happy to have found love. My partner is super supportive of me, which is essential. Sometimes, I think men can feel like they’re in a secret competition with you. For me, it’s important to establish that, "Hey, I’m in my lane; you’re in yours. I’m going to root you on to the top, and you need to do the same for me."

When he comes over, I may be a boss in my business, but I also love being in the kitchen cooking for him. It’s about balancing those roles, embracing both my professional and personal sides. I’m totally a let me cater to you girl.

My final question is, if someone wanted to book a session with you today, what do they need to be ready for, and what should they have already done?

I think if you feel like you’ve done the work on yourself to know who you are and are clear about what you’re looking for, then you’re in a good place. If you’ve been out in the clubs, tried dating apps, and haven’t found what you’re looking for, it’s essential to be honest with yourself. Can you hold yourself accountable? Matchmakers hold up a mirror and say, “Hey, this is what you’re doing, this is what you’re saying, and this is who you’re attracting.” If you want to change that, you have to be willing to adjust your approach.

If you’re comfortable with that, then you’re ready. But if you haven’t done that work yet, it might not be the right time. When you reach that point where you realize what you’re doing isn’t working and you’re ready to invest in yourself and try something different, that’s when you should go to http://UpperEchelonMatchmaking.com and book a session with me.